ExpertDabbler

Changes in priorities over the years

Actually priority is never the same for two moments just like the sun never rises at the same moment in two places.It keeps evolving.

It is just that we wake up occasionally - we don’t stay alert enough to notice the small shift.So we demarcate it as “I was like so and so till 2000 and then something happened which changed my attitude totally”.

I am not the same karthik I was in 1994 or for that matter before this minute.
Chaos theory stands testimony to this.

In 1994, I had a special dislike for anything related to computers.
I don’t know, maybe because I was extremely poor in handling MS-DOS/ WordStar in the school Computer Science class.I was not good at logic either. I had to take kirti’s help to understand Matrix multiplication. The programming language was BASIC. I somehow figured that if I struggle so much in a language as basic as BASIC, maybe I am no good at computers. Whereas I was good in photography, when most of my friends haven’t seen an SLR.

I was also hypnotized by the likes of Mani Ratnam and PC Sriram. That added fuel to my creative fire. Those days I was curious about astrology because I wanted to know if it had answers to my creative aspirations. Gradually I lost whatever little interest in computers. I felt I will be a Spielberg in 10 yrs time.
And BSc CT, “this is not my cup of tea” I thought.

I started to bunk classes because I felt I was not doing justice to my instincts.
I was with Shaiju most of the day time.Sometimes I used to start from home and head straight to the Central Library in Cowley Browne Road and then return home in the evening.

Things went from bad to worse in College. Then one day they said I cannot sit for the first year exams. Enough is enough I decided.

I turned to Appa. Home was not in great shape then. We as a family were going through a crisis. Amma was in Madurai. I and appa were in Coimbatore. Appa could not come to terms with me doing Film Technology Course. The only option left to me was running away from home. Maybe if I had run away from home and had returned after a couple of days maybe they would’ve allowed me to join DFTech in Film Institute.
I even decided to do that but later decided against it. Maybe I had a conscience or maybe I lacked the guts to take my future into my hands.

I thought that if I join some other professional course, appa will be pacified. Maybe I will wait and try that industry after doing some well respected professional course which will make appa and amma happy. After all Mani Ratnam was an MBA from Bajaj Institute.

What is my strength?I was not sure. What is my weakness? I was not good at practicals-atleast I thought so. Let me pick a good course which will not demand lab sessions.That means shunning all Science courses. I thought I was good in adding/calculations, so I decided to take up CA.

Then later,inexplicably or maybe it was my penchant to do something different;
I went all the way to trichy and got ACS foundation application form.
Now I was satisfied in the sense I was striking two or three mangoes in a single stroke.It was a strategic decision. By choosing ACS I was choosing a “professional” course.Since those kind of courses are easy to join and economical in the fees aspect, I need not tax appa and more importantly I can be at home and carry on my studies and me with my amma who was a bit disturbed then.
So when guys around me were toying with BMWs - beer, women and motorcycle, I was toying with my own career.

So from 1994 till Aug 18, 2000 I was going only one way - down. After appa’s death when I was with Loganathan, Amma was very particular in choosing multimedia course in Pentasoft. I had another alternative. In fact a couple of my friends suggested that I choose MSc Software systems from SSi and Bharathiar University. Both had similiar price tags. But Amma said “choose a course which will fetch you a job soon”.

Now the same PC which I so detested wholeheartedly has given me a house, two wheeler, recognition, identity not to mention decent salary to run my family here.

Now, I cross the film institute campus at least 2/3 times a week and I hardly turn that way.

I am not sure I will stick to this industry for long. I see myself more as an observer of people, things, culture, and phenomenon.I will choose something which allows me space to convey and communicate all that.

It can be Films, Writing, Documentaries, 3D Animation films, Games, any creative content related work.

What matters me now is

Money - I need loads of it to take care of me and others around me.
A vocation which will force me to learn new things

for e.g. writing in psychology, science fiction or business.
The freedom and space to convey all that i want to in a spectacular way.

I will do anything ethically and legally right to make this a reality.

This evening, I took Amma to Marundheeswarar Temple in Thiruvanmiyur.Today happened to be Pradhosham - Thriyodasi thidhi between 4.30 and 6 pm in the evening when Lord Shiva danced on the horns of the Nandhi.I didn’t realize what was in store for me till I entered the temple.I was annoyed by the crowd I saw.

More and more people throng the temples everyday as they struggle with their problems, looking for that elusive panacea. Apparently, they don’t succeed. They get even more desperate.They start traveling to far off /more famous temples on hearsay.(Do this pooja for 12 weeks and your daughter will get married soon. Perform Girivalam in Thiruvannamalai on Pournami.Punniyam kedaikum.)

I heard someone say that “Anmeegam” is growing in the present generation as more and more throng Temples and sacred places.If one is required to stay awake till midnight on a working day to get his share of drinking water,obviously he is more prone to talking to God.It is a sign of the pressure and stress in the present times. Show me a person who visits a religious place very frequently and I will show a tormented soul crying for help.

I want God to come and say
“Folks, as I am busy in Creating the most beautiful flower,
Planning the worst natural calamity,
Embedding the most extraordinary intelligence in a new born ever till date.

I cannot be on each and everyone’s beck and call. I am not running a problem-solving BPO here. I have created each and every one of you so powerful that you are nothing but a new instance of me. It’s a tragedy that you don’t realize it.I can make you realize this moment,but I want you to put in effort and struggle. Once you have struggled enough you will realize. ”

So God, please tell this to my fellow brethren all over the world.This will put to rest all the insecurities we humans have.If only you can tell that I promise we will break 108 coconuts for you, visit all the holy shrines in the world.
I hear someone say “Ah! Another deal in the making. Thiruthave mudiyadhu“. Was it God?

Last month, I took Amma to Coimbatore. I had booked the tickets in Nilgiri Exp. The train leaves Central at 20:30 hours. Since that is a bit too early for pulling down the birth, me and Amma started chatting. The topic included Virudhunagar family politics, the flashback days when Amma and Appa struggled in Coimbatore in the late seventies and my future plans-marriage et al.

The train had reached Katpadi Jn. As I got up towards the toilet i could sense amma’s happiness. I tried to remember the last time we had a chat like that.Oops I couldn’t. I felt sorry for Amma. She is alone most of the day. I come home late in the evening.

After dinner I sit for a browsing/reading session and thats “lights off” time for the day. Weekends are eaten by whatever other work(Library/ATM/Visiting local friends/Chats with US buddies).

But Amma is wise in the sense she keeps herself busy with small tasks in the apartment.
For e.g. supervising the water tanker, helping other residents where both husband and wife go to work.
In a way, Amma is at least able to see and talk to me everyday.
I know parents who have their only sons and daughters in the US and have pretty much nothing to do here except wait for their wards’ mails/call during weekends.

Some time back, I had been to one of my friend’s place after years. His mom and dad talked so much about US’s glory, it was apparent they miss their son but could do nothing about it.It was also evident that I am their first visitor for some time.

When I see things from their perspective, I couldn’t help but sympathize with them.
Apart from the universally understandable loneliness factor, one should also consider the environment in which they were brought up.
Most of the cases, they had grown up in a joint family or large family environment.
They had taken care of their appa/amma/mamanar/mamiyar when the elders got sick.
Alas, they don’t have that privilege when turn old.
But there is no point in complaining about the children, because nothing much is gonna change anyway.
Maybe the healthy among them can come together to form a forum/association and do something constructive for the society in which they live.
Maybe teach poor kids. This is N times better than doing poojas and visiting temples. What better pooja than helping educating poor kids when you have all the money and time in the world? I think this is what I will do when I find myself in their situation.

Emotion is more important than logic

Anger:
I used to get wild when i don’t get replies for my mails.
It was as if my friends saw me and turned their heads away when i needed their attention.
But that was then. maybe i understand “Dont-care conditions” in Digital Electronics much better now.
Some of the hot/sarcastic mails i’d sent last year makes for good albeit guilty reading now.

Sorrow:
There are a few extraordinary situations when life gets unbearable.
Like it did on return from Saibaba Colony to Ganapathy one evening four years back.
What was so disturbing? The event that triggered had happened before.

Maybe all the frustrations of the previous six years, Months of loneliness. and the dejected feeling when you try something when the whole world thinks its stupid and they are proved right, time and again.Feeling used and betrayed by close friends.

Another instance was the day after appa’s funeral in madurai. it was like i woke up that morning and realised that i will miss appa forever. Somehow it didn’t strike me with such force the previous day.

Happiness:
The trip to bangalore in 1998 was memorable for all the right reasons.
That Dussera weekend will top my chart as the best days of my life.
Fun,Laughter,ISKCON temple, great photographs, Mysore visit, The train journey from Mysore to Bangalore on Dussera night.

Contentment:
Whenever amma exceeds expectations with her splendid samayal.

When i am in my room- alone at night, after a good day’s work and a book like “Alchemist” on hand. Those last 30 minutes of the day when the eyes start their gentle wobble, life is perfect.

My Goal List and their present status

Aug 15 - New Job. new Company with a salary of 3 Lakhs per annum.
Status - Accomplished on time.
Aug 31 - Joining a Gym.
Status - Joined Vedhathiri Maharishi mediation, physical exercie and kayakalpa course on Sep 13- Goal modified.Accomplished but delayed.
Sep 15 - Getting Macromedia certification in Dreamweaver mx 2004.
Status - Made Enquires. Pending.
Oct 15 - building my expertdabbler site
Status - Pending.
Oct 31 - Clearing my MCA exams.
Status - Pending.
Jan 31 - Clearing my MCA exams. gr-II
Status - Pending.
Feb 16 - Acclaimed/respecteded as the best designer in the organisation
Status - Pending.
Feb 28 - Clearing my MBA exams till that date
Status - Pending.
April 14 - Getting Macromedia certification in Flash mx 2004.
Status - Pending.

Meditation is like a mirror. You can see your true naked self. As you sit there and observe your breathing, your mind doesn’t find breathing engaging enough. It wanders to the last time you read someone stressing the importance of meditation. Was it Sri Sri Ravishankar?When was that?Was it in NDTV or Doordarshan?
Ah! suddenly you realise that your mind has deceived you again.
This process can be the most stimulating and frustrating at the same time.
The conscious mind’s nature is to wander and once you accept that, you are calm again.
Once a person starts to meditate, he realises that most of the events in his life are beyond his conscious control and for once he is comfortable with this uncertainty.
This awareness is priceless.

Hmm, am back to blogging after about a year.

The reasons for abandoning the blog had more to do with my lack of clarity than anything else.
Who are my readers? What do I tell them? Will they be interested in what I ‘m telling? Will they value my intentions? Will they be accepting my diversified interests?
That was the mistake - I was waiting for recognition. I was waiting for some of my friends to turn up and say “Dude you are writing well, keep it up”

But now I shifted my focus primarily to me. My thoughts, ideas, opinions, my goals, my efforts to improve karthik the person. So henceforth, I will be blogging regularly. if this blog touches you, I am happy, even otherwise I remain happy.